


Secrets

by kitlee625, Sarahastro



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1410613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahastro/pseuds/Sarahastro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Fury brings Coulson back from the dead, he makes sure that Coulson will always have someone watching his back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> After watching 1x15, we were completely blown away by the revelation at the end with May. We came up with two possible scenarios to explain this. Sarahastro's amazing story, Lies, is one of them, and this is other (the schmoopier one). 
> 
> The Coulson/May backstory in this story is very similar to what we wrote in our story Fast Car, but you do not have to have read that story to understand this one.
> 
> Initially we posted this as a multi-chapter fic, but we took it down after realizing that we didn't know how to end it. After some thought we've decided to repost just the first chapter as a one shot.

May looks up and is surprised to see Agent Hill and Director Fury standing over her desk.

“Take a walk with us.” It is not a request.

May nods and follows them out of the block of cubicles. They lead her to a door she has never noticed. Inside the walls are coated with a black material that she knows to be both soundproof and disruptive to surveillance devices.

“We have an assignment for you,” HIll says. She hands May a file marked Level 9.

May hesitates a moment before opening the file and gives Fury a questioning look. He nods. She opens it and sees a picture of Phil Coulson.

“Agent Coulson died just before the Battle of New York,” May says. Her face remains impassive, but she is unable to keep her voice so calm.

“You two were close,” Fury says.

May thinks back to their affair when they were on the MCU under Fury’s command. She always suspected that Fury knew more about their relationship than he let on. “That was a long time ago.”

“On the MCU yes. But I know that he has been seeing you whenever he has been in Portland, and that your transfer to the New York office was to be near him.”

They had hoped that S.H.I.E.L.D. would not be paying attention to the comings and goings of a lowly administration officer.

“It’s over. I transferred back to Portland,” May says.

Hill shakes her head. “We’re not here to reprimand you. We’re here to recruit you. What we’re about to tell you is classified. Only a handful of people know what I’m about to tell you. Agent Coulson died but has been revived.”

May stares at them in shock. She remembers how devastated she was when she first learned of his death. “How is that possible?”

“The details are in that file. Our scientists are putting the finishing touches on the process as we speak, but before we do, we need to discuss your assignment.”

“Which is?”

“The process has been very traumatic,” Fury says. “We’ve done our best to put him back the way he was, and to erase all memories of the trauma he endured, but we need someone to watch him. You know Phil. He would never be satisfied with a job behind a desk, and so we have arranged things for him to take a field assignment leading a small mobile command unit.”

“How did you convince him of that?”

Fury does not mince words. “We implanted the desire in his brain. He will think it is his idea.”

May glances at the file and flips through the pages. She sees one labeled Neural Reprogramming with a list of details underneath.

“What else did you implant?”

“What was necessary. We need you to join him on the MCU to watch him and report back to me if there are any problems,” Fury says.

“I’m retired from field duty.”

“This isn’t a request,” Fury says. “I need you to fix this for me.”

In the years since Bahrain he has called upon her a handful of times to fix situations, always when he needs someone who can resolve things quickly and quietly without leaving a trace. There are never any official records of her missions, and no one knows to even speculate on the identity of Fury’s fixer, not even Coulson. It amuses her that after everything she has done she is still most famous for being the Cavalry. “I’m not a babysitter.”

“Officially you’ll just be the pilot. But your skills in hand-to-hand combat and experience in the field make you an ideal candidate for this assignment,” HIll says.

“Also your connection with Agent Coulson. He trusts you. You two have a history.”

May glances at the sheet labeled Neural Reprogramming. Halfway down the page there is a heading: Melinda May. “How much of that did you reprogram?”

“Nothing in the distant past. But we did not want the two of you to restart your relationship, so we altered your most recent encounter.”

“Not erased?”

“He has very strong feelings for you, Agent May. I thought it was best if those feelings were directed elsewhere, outside of the agency. He believes that his most recent relationship was with a cellist living in Portland.”

“A cellist?” It seems an odd choice of careers for his phantom ex-girlfriend. Then again Coulson always did love to see her play with the community orchestra she joined when she moved out to Portland.

“Familiarize yourself with the file, and be ready to report for duty. Agent Coulson will come get you himself. You need to make him believe that this is his idea. Let him convince you to come back into the field. You have been given a level 10 encryption code for direct access to Director Fury. Do not hesitate to contact him if anything develops with Agent Coulson.”

“Phil is in a vulnerable state now,” Fury says. “His body may have been healed, but his mind is still fragile. I need you to protect him. Our enemies would stop at nothing to get their hands on him so they could learn how we brought him back. But most of all, protect him from himself. Knowing the truth will only hurt him.”

May nods. She knows how damaging the truth can be. “Yes sir.”

*****

It is harder than she thought it would be, seeing Coulson again. He is very friendly when he comes to get her from her cubicle and continues to be friendly on the bus. Of the team members he is the only one who breaks through the walls that she has put up around herself, cheerfully coming to visit her in the cockpit and sitting with her while she flies. It reminds her of working with him on the previous MCU. During their affair they were careful not to be seen together, but before, when there was nothing but friendship and mutual attraction, he would often come to the cockpit to keep her company and admire the view.

He does not bring up the cellist, but she cannot help but wonder what he remembers about their time together. How can he think that all those memories are with someone else? S.H.I.E.L.D. has taken so much from her already. What they had together was the one selfish, private thing that she had left.

Of course what they had had was never perfect. There was never enough time for them to just be together. All they had were stolen moments between missions. She had thought that by moving to New York, they could string together enough of those moments to make something real, but eventually that fell apart. When she finally left, she had not even hoped that he might follow her. She knew that what they had would never be enough for either of them.

And now they they are together all the time, but this imaginary cellist stands between them. Sometimes it makes her want to shake him until the lies fall away and he finally remembers. However, despite her personal feelings, she is still a trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. She knows how to immerse herself in a cover story until it becomes a part of her, a glamour that no one knows she is wearing.

She decides to test some of his reprogramming one day when he is sitting with her on their way to Berlin.

“This is nice. Like the old days,” she says, allowing some wistfulness to creep into her voice.

He gets her meaning immediately. “That was a long time ago,” he says simply.

“I heard that you were seeing someone before the Battle of New York.”

“Yes.” He looks sad. “But she can’t know what happened or about my recovery.”

His response is just as his file predicted. He is completely devoted to his cellist ex-girlfriend, and completely resigned to never contacting her. She gives him a small sympathetic smile and tries to crush her own feelings of disappointment.

*****

Fury arranges for a test of Coulson’s loyalty to S.H.I.E.L.D. Victoria Hand has a mission that could use two members of their team. Fury tells her to utilize Ward and Fitz, and orders her to keep the extraction plan off the books. They need to know just how deep his loyalty to S.H.I.E.L.D. goes.

At first everything seems to be going according to plan. Coulson trusts Hand and is satisfied with the briefing memos that she provides. He never asks to see the primary mission file. Even with Skye urging him to investigate on his own, he refuses.

“Trust the system,” he says, and May breathes a little easier each time he says it.

Skye is not so easily convinced, and when she and Simmons uncover the mission plans, May has no choice but to begin her extraction ahead of schedule. She brings Skye and Simmons along to continue the ruse. After his insistence to trust the system, she is surprised to find him waiting for them on the plane, ready to risk everything and go against S.H.I.E.L.D. for two agents.

This more than all of the other changes shows that Coulson is not the man she once knew. The old Coulson would never disobey orders. That was more her - questioning why, urging him to keep some things a secret. The man she knew is dead, and this man, the man she is tasked with keeping tabs on, is only a simulacrum. It is easier to go forward with her mission if she reminds herself of that.

*****

It has been a long time since she was out in the field for so long, part of a team. Eventually the pressure of maintaining this facade gets to her. Coulson comes to her for advice constantly, and she must soothe his worried mind time and again, while having no one to go to with her own doubts. Most of the team are out of the question. The closest thing she has to a peer is Ward. Even though he knows nothing of her true mission, she finds some comfort in the fact that he understands what it is like to be undercover for months at a time.

At first their interactions are limited to sparring, drinking, and occasionally talking. Eventually they start having sex. It is nice to have something for herself, a secret that she chooses to bear. If she feels a pang of guilt for betraying Coulson, she pushes it aside. In his mind, what they had never existed. She should make the same true for her.

*****

Coulson may trust her, but he does not listen to her any more than he did when they were dating. He ignores her advice regarding Skye and Mike Peterson, and she is unable to prevent him from winding up in the hands of Centipede. The secret that Fury has worked so hard to keep is out. Officially Fury puts Victoria Hand in charge of the rescue mission, but he tells May to do whatever it takes to get him back.

Despite her misgivings about Skye, she knows that she is completely loyal to Coulson. She gambles that Skye may succeed where the more by-the-book S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have failed. Her intuition pays off, and she and Skye are the ones to find him attached to the memory retrieval machine. When she sees that, she worries that all of the carefully crafted memories will have dissolved under the glare of the machine, but after he is rescued it becomes clear that his programming is mostly intact. The false memories of Tahiti have been wiped away to reveal the stark truth underneath, but his memories of the cellist and loyalty to May are intact, which allows her to continue her role as his handler.

Coulson is relentless in his pursuit of answers, and Fury has no choice but to show Coulson the file detailing his recovery. He shows it to May almost immediately. Fury has given him fragments of the truth, but not enough to piece together what really happened. She hopes that having some answers will allow him to put it behind him, but it only makes things worse. He spends days pouring over the file and brooding in his office. When the younger team members are asked to consult at S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, she jumps at the chance to take Coulson on a side mission into Skye’s origins, hoping it will distract him.

He is strangely silent through most of the trip to Mexico, but finally she gets him to open up. His kidnapping has shaken him to his core. He is convinced that he is different, and this time she feels like her reassurances are not working. He seems broken, even his faith in S.H.I.E.L.D. gone. The only thing he still seems to trust is her. He barely hesitates when she asks him, “Do you trust me at least?’

“Yes.” 

She wonders how much of that is their past and how much is programming. According to the file they enhanced the trust between them, but the procedure works best if there is already a strong connection to build on. She worries that all the this will strain that connection until eventually it breaks. He needs to keep trusting her if she is going to protect him. So while they are waiting for Lumley in Lola, after he tells her that the culture of secrets in S.H.I.E.L.D. needs to stop, she decides to let one go.

“Agent Ward and I have been having sex.”

He jumps out of the car before she can see his reaction, but later on the bus she has a chance to address things again. True to form, what he remembers of their relationship ended so long ago that any feelings of jealousy or longing are gone and refocused on the mythical cellist. He just gives her a little smile and shrugs. “I trust you know what you’re doing,” he says.

Blind trust only goes so far though. She cannot convince him to take Agent Lumley back to headquarters for debriefing, or to keep the secret from Skye. She tells him the same thing that she has been telling herself about Coulson for months. Whenever she finds herself doubting her mission, she tells herself that the truth would devastate him. 

She expects a similar fallout from telling Skye that she is an 0-8-4, but Coulson surprises her when he tells her that it inspired Skye to dedicate herself to S.H.I.E.L.D. For the first time it is not so easy for her to quiet the voice of doubt in the back of her mind when she goes to sleep that night.

*****

When the doctors tell them that there is no hope for Skye, she does not expect him to seek out the doctors who brought him back. At first she wonders if she should try to slow him down to prevent him from learning the truth. However, getting in his way will only arouse his suspicion. Besides, she like the rest of the team wants to save Skye, and if this is the only way, then so be it. Fury was very thorough in burying the paper trail that would lead to the guest house, but FitzSimmons are more resourceful than she initially gave them credit for and manage to find the coordinates.

She tries to lead the team into the bunker instead of him, or at least go with him instead of Ward, but he brushes off both suggestions. “I need you here, watching our backs and watching over Skye,” he says. “There’s no one else I trust.”

So she is forced to wait, without comms, and wonder just how much he will uncover down there. Will he discover everything or just the vials of serum that they are tasked with retrieving? When he finally returns, she can tell by the look of horror on his face that he uncovered something.

Afterwards she wonders if that trust is beginning to break. Unlike previously, he pulls away when she probes him gently to open up. Manipulating an asset was never her strongest skill. She prefers a straightforward fight. She is not sure how to pry the information out of him other than to bide her time. With monitoring devices throughout the bus that only she has access to, there is nowhere he can hide from her.

At last, after the confrontation with Lorelei, she convinces him to explain everything to Skye. May has been hoping that he uncovered only a small piece of the greater puzzle, but when she hears the description of what he saw, and the passion in his voice to uncover the truth, she knows that it is over. All she can do now is alert Fury and Hill, and manage the ensuing fall out.

For a second she hesitates. Coulson may not be the man she remembers, but these months on the bus with him, monitoring his every movement, serving as his confidante and friend, have shown her that he is still a good man. In a way he is more similar to the way that she used to be, questioning authority, willing to do whatever it takes to protect his team. Perhaps he is right that there are too many secrets in S.H.I.E.L.D. But Centipede will stop at nothing to uncover the secret of G.H., and right now the only evidence lies within Coulson and Skye. When she hears his plan to conceal this from the team and go after the Clairvoyant and Fury for answers, her decision is clear.

She makes the call.

  



End file.
